Planet Arkham
by Christine M. Greenleaf
Summary: When the Justice League authorizes the exile of all Gotham supercriminals to a distant, Utopian planet, they hope the rogues will be able to cooperate together to prove themselves civilized, and earn their return to Earth. But cooperation is not something the Gotham rogues are known for, and trouble in paradise quickly becomes the understatement of the century.
1. Chapter 1

**Planet Arkham**

The neon sign proclaiming the warehouse location of the Funnibone Shipping Company glowed and fizzled in the darkness as a long, black car quietly pulled up in front of it. The doors to the car opened and several men in dark coats got out, carrying guns.

"Now don't screw this up, or there'll be hell to pay," growled one of the men. "The boss don't want any slip ups. He just wants the clowns dead."

"Can't we just shoot the Joker and keep the dame alive for some fun first?" asked one of the men.

"The clown bitch ain't just any dame," muttered the first man. "She'd kick your ass and take horrible revenge on all of us for killing him. We shoot 'em both quickly, like the boss said, and that's that."

There was some grumbling from the men, but they followed the apparent leader over to the far side of the building. He flicked out a thin knife and slowly slid it against the glass on the window. When he had cut around the pane, he removed it, leaving a hole big enough to climb through. He put a finger to his lips and crawled inside, and the other men followed him.

They moved noiselessly down the pitch black hallway until they reached a door at the end of the corridor. The leader nodded, and one of the men pushed it open without a sound.

The room was revealed by the dim light of the moon. Clown memorabilia lay everywhere in messy piles, thrown haphazardly around, along with clothes, joke items, and deadly weapons. The walls were decorated with newspaper articles and wanted posters featuring the Joker, and in the corner of the room, on a large bed with purple sheets and a clown's mouth headboard, lay the Clown Prince of Crime himself, fast asleep. Harley Quinn lay cuddled against him, her arms around his neck as she breathed softly in sleep, a smile on her peaceful face.

The men moved slowly across the room to get a clear shot at them, taking care to avoid stepping on any of the junk on the floor. Only they weren't quite careful enough.

The sound of a whoopie cushion suddenly punctured the deadly silence. And before the leader could realize it was because he had stepped on one, he saw the Joker stir and slowly open his eyes.

"Not tonight, pooh, Daddy's tired," he muttered, shoving Harley gently away from him.

"That…wasn't me, Mr. J," whispered Harley, softly.

Both Joker and the leader reacted at the exact same time. The leader began firing his gun, shouting at the others to follow suit, just as Joker shoved Harley off the bed and rolled off the opposite side. As the men kept shooting the bed, Joker shouted, "Pooh, time for the slip 'n slide!"

"Right away, Mr. J!" shouted Harley.

"Slip," muttered Joker, reaching under the bed and pulling out a machine gun, which he began shooting as he dodged out of the line of fire.

"'N slide!" shouted Harley, leaping forward and kicking the front gunman in the face. She flipped around the room, avoiding the bullets as she kicked and punched the various assailants, while the Joker continued shooting randomly out into the darkness.

He stopped firing suddenly. "Don't kill that last one!" he shouted at Harley.

Harley kicked the single remaining man in the jaw, knocking him back into the wall and rendering him unconscious. "That's for looking at me in my undies," she snapped, adjusting her bra.

"And for trying to kill us in such an underhanded fashion," sighed Joker, shaking his head. "Attempts on my life I can take, but at least let me see 'em coming!"

Harley wiped the sweat from her brow. "Well, we're all awake now, puddin'," she said, looking at him hopefully. "And that bozo won't wake up for hours. Got any ideas on how to pass the time?"

"I sure do, cupcake!" he exclaimed. "Why don't we build an elaborate torture gag machine to get info outta this guy?"

"Or…you could torture your Harley girl for a while," suggested Harley.

"I already am, pooh," he chuckled, patting her on the head and smiling. "Now let's go chain this loser up and see what he has to say for himself."

After much violent persuasion on the part of the Joker, and unendurable pain on the part of the remaining henchman, he eventually revealed that the team had been sent to assassinate the Joker and Harley Quinn by Carmine Falcone, after the clown couple had accidentally blown a drug deal between an associate of his by showing up in the middle of it and telling jokes. Jokes that, as usual with the Joker, ended with a bang. Revenge had been the only sane option on the part of Falcone – swift, brutal, terrible revenge.

And the Joker agreed. Only swift, brutal, and terrible revenge would do, all served with a gag and a smile. And heck, why confine the joke to Falcone's guys? Why not share the laughter with the world? The Joker was a man with a generous nature, after all, who loved to spread the love. Love, in this case, being clouds of Joker toxin resulting in dying peals of laughter and hallucinogenic death. It was a massive chemical attack that spread over half the city and claimed thousands of casualties. The Joker was very pleased with himself. The Mayor of Gotham City was not.

"You couldn't have stopped him?" the Mayor demanded of Batman.

"No, I couldn't, or I would have," retorted Batman. "This isn't a game for me, Mayor Hill. The loss of innocent lives isn't a joke…"

"Then why can't you find a way to stop the Joker permanently?" demanded Mayor Hill.

"What would you suggest?" asked Batman. "If Arkham can't hold him, and I won't kill him…"

"I've gone over your head on this one, Batman," snapped Mayor Hill. "I've contacted your Justice League friends to appeal for help."

Batman bristled. "This is none of their business. Gotham is my concern…"

"No, Batman, it is _my _concern," snapped Mayor Hill. "And my concern is that you keep allowing these lunatics to unleash chaos and violence in this city. This endless cycle of destruction has to stop."

"The Justice League will not authorize their extermination," retorted Batman. "We're guardians, not murderers."

"Batman is right," said a voice. Superman appeared out of a corner of the office. "We will not authorize their extermination. But we will authorize their exile from Gotham City."

Batman rounded on him. "You think the likes of the Joker are going to listen to you…"

"I think he will have no choice," retorted Superman. "Because we will also exile them from this world."

Batman stared at him. "There is a planet in a distant galaxy, similar to Earth in climate and habitation," said Superman. "If we transport the supercriminals there and leave them to fend for themselves in the wild, they will have no choice but to cooperate and build their own civilization…"

"Or rip each other to pieces," interrupted Batman. "Returning them to nature will only increase their savagery, and feed the wild animals already inside them."

"We are giving them what they've always wanted," continued Superman. "A world to rule. A world of their very own, and a chance to prove themselves civilized. Once they do, they will be welcomed back to Gotham with open arms…"

"No, Superman, they won't do that," interrupted Batman. "I know them. They will become even more wild and crazy than they already are, and that's saying something. They will turn on each other and destroy each other. This is a death sentence for them as effective as the electric chair. However monstrously they might behave, they're still people. You can't send them out to some alien world to die."

"The decision has already been made, Batman," murmured Superman. "Unanimously, by all present. And even if you're opposed to the idea, majority rules in a democracy, I'm afraid."

"I need to discuss this…"

"Not this time, Batman," said Superman, softly. "This time you're outvoted. The arrangements have already been made. The inmates will be sent to Planet Arkham in the next twenty-four hours. They will be monitored occasionally to insure their continued survival, and in the event of an emergency, a touch of a button will transport them back to Earth. But I think Planet Arkham will be just the solution needed to turn them into orderly, productive citizens."

"And I agree," said Mayor Hill, standing up. "Now, if that will be all, gentlemen…"

"Clark, we need to talk about this," hissed Batman, when they were safely outside.

"Bruce, I know you have a tendency to dismiss everyone's opinion but your own, but isn't it possible we may be right about this?" asked Superman.

"No," retorted Batman. "It's not."

Superman sighed. "Just trust our judgement for once, please?" he asked.

"You don't know them, Clark…" began Batman.

"No," interrupted Superman, nodding. "We're not blinded by sympathy for them, as you seem to be. Sometimes desperate measures must be taken, Bruce. For the greater good."

"Heroes don't take desperate measures," growled Batman.

"Nobody else is trying to be a hero, Bruce," murmured Superman, softly. "Except you. The rest of us are just trying to do what's right."

"And that's not exiling a band of supercriminals to an alien planet," snapped Batman.

Superman looked at him. "I guess we'll just have to wait and see, won't we?" he murmured.

"Yes," growled Batman, glaring after him as he flew off. "I guess we will."


	2. Chapter 2

Harley Quinn opened her eyes lazily, sitting up and stretching. She looked around and immediately panicked. "Mr. J!" she hissed, roughly shaking his sleeping form next to her. "Mr. J, wake up!"

"Oh, what is it now?" he demanded, rolling over. "Can't I get a decent night's sleep for once…"

But he stopped talking when he realized they weren't in bed anymore. They were lying on grass in a shady grove, although the trees around them were unlike any trees he had ever seen before. The bark was a pale blue color, and the leaves a strange orange. He sat up slowly.

"Mr. J, I don't think we're in Gotham anymore," muttered Harley.

Joker laughed. "No, we ain't, Dorothy! And there's the Scarecrow, the Tin Man, and the Cowardly Reptile!" he chuckled, pointing to Jonathan Crane, Mr. Freeze, and Killer Croc, lying around the grove and slowly getting to their feet. "I guess we better follow the Yellow Brick Road to go see the Wizard in the Emerald City, huh, guys?"

"I'm not a cowardly reptile," muttered Croc, rubbing his head.

"Oh, learn to take a joke, you humorless waste of shoe material!" snapped Joker, standing up and dusting himself off.

Freeze began scanning the area with his suit. "This terrain is unfamiliar to me," he muttered. "The flora and fauna is unrecognized by my scanners."

"And there appear to be two suns in the sky," said Crane, looking up. "Wherever we are, it's not Earth."

"How could we have left Earth?" asked Harley, puzzled. "Last thing I remember is going to sleep."

"I smell a superhero," muttered Joker.

"Where?" asked Croc, jumping back and looking nervously around him.

"Metaphorically, you idiot," retorted Joker. "And don't tell me you're not the Cowardly Reptile."

"Does that make you a flying monkey, J?" asked a voice, as Poison Ivy appeared out of the surrounding forest.

"Red!" exclaimed Harley, rushing to hug her. "You're here too!"

"Everyone is," said Ivy, hugging her in return. "There's a clearing not far from here – the others are there with a bunch of supplies and a TV."

"What's on the TV?" asked Joker.

"Superman," retorted Ivy.

Joker made a face. "I hate that show," he muttered as they followed Ivy into the clearing, where Scarface, Clayface, the Riddler, the Mad Hatter, and Two-Face awaited them.

"Well, now that you've all arrived, I'd like to welcome you, former residents of Arkham Asylum, to your new home on Planet Arkham," said Superman from the screen. "This is a paradise, untouched by human hands, and it is all yours."

The uproar was defeaning. "You can't send us off Earth without a trial! That's not fair!"

"We can't survive in the wilderness!"

"The babies! We can't leave the babies!" shrieked Harley, clutching Joker's arm tightly.

"Yeah, this ain't justice, Flyboy!" shouted Joker.

"Justice is precisely what it is," said Superman, nodding. "Each of you has wanted nothing more than to give free rein to your personas. And at last you will be able to. You will rule a world of your very own, you will be able to do what you want to do without interference from the law or the Justice League. Explain how this isn't exactly what you've always desired."

"Well, the doing what you want is no fun if no one gets hurt," retorted Joker. "How can you even do a slapstick routine without violence? It's just not possible."

"Hopefully you will all manage to coexist peacefully," continued Superman. "And if that is the case, in a few years, you may be allowed to return to Earth. If you do not wish to rehabilitate, you will remain in paradise on Planet Arkham. Everyone wins."

"You can't just send us to an alien planet without respect for due process!" growled Two-Face. "What about the courts? Throwing a bunch of lunatics out to survive in the wild is utterly inhumane!"

"The Justice League has ruled that it is not," retorted Superman.

"And who voted for you bunch of tight-wearing, super-powered freaks?" demanded Two-Face. "The law says…"

"You have all shown blatant disregard for the law time and again," interrupted Superman. "If you abuse something, you cannot expect it to protect you."

"That's a loada crap!" retorted Joker. "I abuse Harley constantly and she always jumps to my defense!"

"Yeah, the law's like Harley!" shouted Two-Face. "Blind!"

"Hey!" yelled Harley.

"I mean it's blind to circumstance," growled Two-Face. "Everyone is equal under it."

"Do you believe yourselves to be equal to Gotham's petty criminals?" asked Superman. "The thieves and the muggers and the hustlers?"

"Hell, no!" shouted Joker. "We've got more class, and we're better dressers. Except Croc – he's basically a hobo."

"So why do you expect equal treatment under the law?" asked Superman.

"Because that's the way the law works, you alien freak!" shouted Two-Face.

"The Justice League exists as superheroes to tackle the problem of supercriminals," retorted Superman. "We are above the law. So are you."

"No one is above the law!" shouted Two-Face. "You respect it, and you work with it, or you're a pretty sorry excuse for a hero!"

"I told Batman, and I'll tell you," said Superman. "I'm no hero. I'm just doing what is right."

"I wanna speak to Bats!" shouted Joker, shoving his way forward. "There's no way he'd authorize any of this!"

"Batman has agreed to abide by the decision of the Justice League," said Superman. "I suggest you all do the same, because there is no way off this planet without our permission. But we have left you your usual array of weapons and costumes, so you'll have plenty of tools with which to build shelters and hunt food. Plus the planet is rich in edible fruit and vegetation which you can consume…"

"Not with Pammie on her guard, we can't," chuckled Joker.

"You will not be able to contact us from now on, so if you have any final questions, please ask them now," said Superman.

"What if there's an emergency?" asked Joker, his hand shooting up. "Like if I accidentally stab Eddie Nygma in the face? Are you guys just gonna let him die here?"

"In the event of an emergency, we will evacuate the necessary parties," said Superman. "You will be monitored regularly to ensure your safety."

"Gee, thanks, Big Brother," retorted Joker.

"Joker, can you still stab me, but in someplace less lethal so I can go home?" asked Nygma.

"Nah, no dice, I'm afraid, Eddie," retorted Joker. "Ask one of your nerd friends to do it."

"This situation places all of us in a survival of the fittest type scenario," spoke up Jonathan Crane. "Some of us are in no way the fittest. You're condemning the intellectually superior yet physically inferior to death."

"On the contrary, Professor Crane, we are hoping you will be able to use your superior intellect to lead the way in terms of civilization," said Superman.

"But brute force does not respect the authority of the intellectually superior!" retorted Crane.

"Ya got that right, nerd!" snapped Joker, shoving him outta the way. "I'm not taking orders from some brainy freak!"

"What about Nora?" demanded Freeze, stepping forward. "I will not be parted from her!"

"Nor I from Alice!" shouted Tetch. "Some of us have people on Earth we care about!"

"And you will not be separated for long, providing you prove yourself," said Superman. "Mr. Freeze, Nora is safe. And Mr. Tetch, unless I am very much mistaken, Alice is married now, and no concern of yours. Now if that will be all…"

"You gotta feed the babies!" shrieked Harley, pushing herself forward. "They're tied up in front of our place!"

"Yes, they've already been taken to a zoo," said Superman. "Any other questions?"

"A zoo?!" shrieked Harley. "They're my babies! You can't put them in cages and let people stare at them! They need cuddles and affection!"

"And who's going to water my plants?" demanded Ivy.

"I assure all of you, you do not need to worry about what you left behind on Earth," said Superman. "Why don't you look ahead to the future, and start building your new lives in this new world? I wish you every success in your endeavors. Goodbye."

Superman shut off the communicator, cutting off the shouts of the inmates. "I don't know why Bruce is always complaining about them," he said to himself. "They seem perfectly reasonable. I'm sure they'll do just fine on their own. Just fine."


	3. Chapter 3

Utter chaos ensued on Planet Arkham as the communicator switched off and everyone panicked. Suddenly, the Joker fired two shots in the air, silencing the crowd. "Quiet down, everyone!" he shouted. "The only way we're all gonna get out of this alive is if all work together!"

"Much as I hate to admit it, Joker's right," said Two-Face. "We gotta band together and form some sorta rudimentary democracy…"

"Or benevolent dictatorship, Harv," interrupted Joker, smiling. "History shows that the longest lasting and most stable civilizations in the world were empires. The Egyptians, the Romans, the Galactic Empire…"

"You just made that last one up!" shouted Nygma.

"No, I didn't! It's Star Wars, you moron!" shouted Joker. "Honestly, I thought you nerds knew that kinda stuff! Anyway, I think we should follow the example set by history. And since I spoke first, and I'm the one holding a gun, I'd like you all to bow down to Emperor Joker."

"Why should we let you lead us?" demanded Ivy. "You're a lot crazier than the rest of us!"

"Yes, I _am _more fun," agreed Joker, nodding. "But that's not the only reason."

"Ok, give us another," growled Two-Face.

"Well, I got some big plans for this place," said Joker, looking around. "It's a bit too green and fresh for my liking. I say we do a little slash and burn gardening…"

"No," interrupted Ivy.

"Ok, well, we definitely gotta start thinking about increasing the population," said Joker. "I think Harley and me should start procreating right away, having the most desirable genes out of this particular pool."

"Sounds great, Mr. J!" said Harley, beaming.

"The rest of you guys should go see if you can impregnate Pammie, as many of you as possible so we can have a wide variety of genetics to choose from," continued Joker. "Pammie can be the official babymaker of Planet Arkham."

"If you want a wide variety of genes, why doesn't Harley have to be impregnated by various guys as well?" demanded Ivy. "Why is it just you?"

"Because Harley is the Emperor's concubine," retorted Joker. "It's beneath her to service every man on the planet. The only thing that's ever been beneath you has been various guys, sometimes at the same time, or so I hear."

"Are you saying you and Harley are going to be the Adam and Eve of this particular planet?" asked Nygma, dryly. "Because you're the most unattractive Adam and Eve that I've ever seen."

"Yes, and who says we want you two establishing the future population of this planet?" demanded Tetch.

"Hey, I've given you losers Pammie!" shouted Joker. "If you can't get her pregnant as many times as I can Harley, that ain't my fault! It just means you're less of a man than I am!"

"If all of us have to share Ivy and you get to keep Harley exclusively to yourself, of course you're going to create more offspring!" shouted Crane. "It's basic law of probability!"

"Nobody is sharing me!" shouted Ivy.

"Oh, c'mon, Pammie, it's for the greater good of society," snapped Joker. "Ok, Croc, you're up!"

"I'm not sleeping with Croc!" shouted Ivy.

"Why not? On an alien planet, his offspring's clearly gonna be the most desirable," said Joker. "Brute strength, cold-blooded, amphibious…I mean, you can start with Nygma if you want, but I don't think being a nerd is gonna be very useful on a hostile world. Still, you never know how long he's gonna last in this environment, and it might be nice to let him have a woman before he dies."

"Joker, I am not going to be the planet babymaker!" shouted Ivy. "We don't even need a babymaker! I don't intend to remain on this planet any longer than necessary, so we can forget increasing the population, all right?!"

"No, Mr. J, I think you and I should still try to have kids, y'know," said Harley hastily. "Why don't you guys give us some privacy…"

"Who thinks Joker shouldn't be in charge?" interrupted Ivy, raising her hand.

Everyone else raised theirs, except Joker and Harley. "And who else are ya gonna follow, huh?" demanded Joker. "I'm the one the Bat fears most…"

The uproar at this was deafening. "You know it's true!" shouted Joker. "I killed Robin! What have the rest of you losers ever done to him?!"

"Y'know, fine, if you guys ain't gonna move, we'll just do it with you here," said Harley, approaching Joker. "I ain't the kinda girl who enjoys being watched during sex, but if it's the only way to get puddin's babies…"

"Get off, Harley!" shouted Joker, as she tugged at his belt. He shoved her back into a thicket of plants. At least, he thought it was a thicket, but Harley fell into them and suddenly disappeared with a shriek.

"Harley!" shouted Ivy, rushing over to where she had disappeared.

"I'm ok, Red!" called Harley. Ivy parted the branches to see Harley lying at the bottom of a small ditch, struggling to her feet. "That wasn't as much of a drop as I was expecting…"

Suddenly, she was seized around the waist by a large vine, which began pulling her deeper into the ditch. Harley whirled around to see that the vine ended in a small pod…which suddenly opened itself up to reveal a huge, bright, venus flytrap-style plant with sharp teeth, which kept reeling Harley into its serrated mouth.

"Mr. J!" shrieked Harley, reaching up for him. Joker seized her arm and tried to pull her out of the ditch.

"Pammie, talk to the plant, would ya?" he demanded, trying to tug Harley back.

"It's an alien planet, you moron – I don't speak their language!" shouted Ivy, grabbing Harley's other arm.

Joker swore, using his free hand to reach for his gun. "No, don't shoot it!" cried Ivy, knocking it from his hands. "Alien or not, it's still my baby!"

"Sounds like the front page of the Weekly World News!" chuckled Joker.

"Mr. J!" shrieked Harley again, struggling against the plant's relentless pull.

"Ok, Pammie, you want Harley to end up as plant food, or do you want me to knife your baby?" demanded Joker. "Ya gotta pick one or the other!"

"I'm trying to talk to it!" shouted Ivy. "Just let me concentrate!"

She shut her eyes, trying to communicate with the alien plant, but the language was utterly foreign to her, and it didn't appear to want to communicate. It didn't appear to want to do anything but feed.

"If you don't make a decision in the next three seconds, I'm gonna let go of her!" shouted Joker.

"Don't you dare, you monster!" shrieked Ivy.

"Then let me kill it!" he shouted.

Ivy nodded heavily. Joker leapt down into the ditch and pulled out his knife, chopping the vine in two. The plant actually hissed in pain as it flailed about. Joker threw the cut end of the vine at Ivy and then put his arm around Harley's waist. "Now pull us up!" he shouted.

Ivy, with the help of the rest of the rogues, managed to pull them both out of the ditch. Harley hugged Joker tightly, sobbing. "Oh, Mr. J, you saved me!"

"You shouldn't be too grateful to him, Harley – the creep was gonna let go of you," muttered Ivy, tossing the vine back down at the dead plant.

"Hey, I was trying to empower her to help herself!" snapped Joker. "Ain't that what you feminists love, empowerment? I had faith she'd get out – I was just trying to make her believe in herself!"

"Oh, Mr. J, you're the best!" sighed Harley, kissing him.

"I'd never leave Harley to be chomped to bits by some creepy, alien plant," cooed Joker, patting her head. "She's the sweetest tool in my box."

Harley squeaked happily. Everyone just stared at her. "What?" she asked, looking around in puzzlement. "It's a compliment. Tools are useful. You can't do stuff without 'em."

"Speaking of tools, maybe we all better get to work building some kinda shelter," said Two-Face, studying the sky. "I dunno what rain clouds look like on this planet, but on ours, they look like that."

"Could we not cut down trees?" asked Ivy.

"I dunno how else you plan to make a shelter, Pammie," snapped Two-Face. "Anyway, if you object to it, you don't have to have one."

Ivy grudgingly set to work with the others. And it was a good thing, because they only had time to tie together a few tree branches when the rain set in, drenching the makeshift huts and the people inside them.

"You know what, guys? This sucks," muttered Joker, glaring out at the storm. Harley was curled up next to him, cuddled inside his jacket and using it as a hood against the rain. "When we get off this hellhole, we gotta make those Justice League jerks pay."

"Well, I'm sure we'll have plenty of time to plan our revenge," sighed Tetch, pulling his hat over his face and trying to sleep. "We're stuck here for now - might as well make the best of it."

"I don't do well in rain," growled Clayface, trying to squeeze himself into a dry patch of the hut.

"And I get moss in places I didn't even know I had," muttered Scarface, as the Ventriloquist tried to shield him.

"Well, it could be worse," retorted Two-Face.

"How?" demanded Crane.

Two-Face stared out at the storm and then leaned back, shutting his eyes. "I dunno," he muttered.


	4. Chapter 4

"Rise and shine, guys! It's breakfast time!" shouted the Joker, waking the other inmates from a solid slumber.

"What is it?" asked Tetch, rubbing his eyes.

"I dunno – someone needs to go get it!" retorted Joker.

"Why can't you do it?" snapped Crane.

"What do I look like, room service?" demanded Joker.

"If you were awake, you could at least have made yourself useful," growled Two-Face.

"It is beneath Emperor Joker to exert himself with such mundane tasks," said Joker, waving his hand. "That's what I keep you minions around here for."

"You're not Emperor Joker," snapped Ivy. "You're going to have to pitch in with the grunt work just like the rest of us."

"Or what, Pammie?" retorted Joker, smiling.

"Or you don't eat," she snapped.

"No, it's ok, puddin', don't exert yourself," said Harley, standing up. "I'll find us some food."

"See? Harley's being a good minion," said Joker. "Maybe if the rest of you were as loyal and useful as her, you could be Emperor Joker's concubine too."

"Well, there's my new dream," said Ivy, rolling her eyes. "Harley, don't go out there alone!" she shouted as she rushed out of the tent after Harley. "This planet's dangerous! Remember what happened yesterday?"

"Don't worry, Red, I can take care of myself," retorted Harley. "I ain't stupid, and I'm gonna be on my guard against the wildlife now…oh my God, that's the cutest thing I've ever seen!" she squealed as a small, furry critter emerged from the undergrowth. It looked like a cross between a rabbit and a chinchilla, a ball of fluff with big eyes, long ears, and buck teeth. Its pink nose quivered as it hopped closer to Harley and Ivy, sniffing.

"Don't touch it, Harley!" snapped Ivy, grabbing her hand back as Harley reached out to pet it. "It might be dangerous!"

"Aw, c'mon, Red! Nothing that cute can be dangerous!" retorted Harley. "Hi, sweetie," she cooed, holding out her hand as the tiny creature slowly approached her and began nuzzling against her affectionately. "I ain't gonna hurt ya…"

She screamed suddenly as she was splattered with blood and the animal was riddled with bullets. It dropped to the ground, dead. She whirled around to see the Joker's gun smoking. "Close one there, Harl," he said, blowing the smoke away. "But ya gotta teach the wildlife to be afraid of us as quickly as possible. Now that one will tell the other creatures that the humans aren't to be trifled with."

"It's dead!" shouted Ivy. "It can't tell the others anything!"

"Why'd ya shoot it, Mr. J?" cried Harley, tearing up. "It was so cute, and it wasn't gonna hurt me…"

"You don't know that, Harley!" he snapped. "That plant pod looked pretty innocent yesterday before it tried to eat you! I refuse to be made the villain here for trying to protect you!"

"Actually, it's definitely an herbivore," said Crane, studying the dead animal.

"There, ya see?!" snapped Joker.

"That means it eats plants," explained Crane. "See? Its teeth are flat but slightly serrated, mostly used for grinding stalks and leaves."

"Well then, I bet Pammie is glad it's dead," retorted Joker. "Anyway, now we got breakfast! Let's eat it!"

"There's hardly enough for everyone," said Crane.

"Too bad for you losers, then," said Joker, picking up the corpse. "Harley, be a lamb and skin this, would ya? Oh, and try to pick some of the lead out while you're at it. Don't wanna get lead poisoning or I'll end up mad as a hatter, eh, Tetchy?"

"Who would know the difference?" muttered Crane.

"Actually, it was mercury poisoning from felt that was accountable for the madness of hatters in the 18th and 19th centuries…" began Tetch.

"Yeah, yeah, stop boring Emperor Joker with useless facts," said Joker, shoving him out of the way. "If anyone wants me, I'll be in the hut."

"Who wants breakfast?" asked a voice. Everyone turned to see Croc and Clayface emerging from the surrounding forest, carrying an armful of brightly colored fish in their arms.

"Hey, thanks, boys!" said Ivy, smiling at them. "Now all we gotta do is build a fire. I kinda wish Firefly were here, and I never thought I'd say that."

"One of the few pros of being a smoker, Pammie," said Two-Face, reaching into his pocket for a cigarette lighter. "You always got a light handy."

"Ivy and Croc make babies now?" asked Croc, hopefully.

"Uh…no," said Ivy, slowly. "Not now or ever, Croc."

Croc looked puzzled. "But Emperor Joker said..."

"He's not the Emperor!" interrupted Ivy, furiously. "Just because he says he is doesn't make it true!"

"Sorry, Pammie, telling Croc that you'd sleep with him was the only way I could convince him to bring some fish back," said Clayface apologetically.

Ivy stared at him. "Well, I'm not doing that for breakfast," she snapped.

"You know, you really are selfish, Pammie," snapped Joker. "You won't do anything for the greater good, will you?"

"I won't sleep with Croc," snapped Ivy. "And I don't see you doing anything for the greater good, Emperor Joker!"

"Croc don't wanna sleep with me," retorted Joker. "And I've accepted the heavy burden of responsibility by agreeing to be Emperor. I've done my bit for the greater good."

"See, he _is _the Emperor..." began Croc.

"Look, can we not fight and just discuss this after we eat?" demanded Nygma. "I'm starving!"

"Yeah, get the fire going, Harvey – just keep it away from me," snapped Scarface.

"Um…Croc, I guess you didn't bring back anything other than fish, huh?" asked Harley. "Only I have this little problem with fish, y'see…"

"Then eat what you got," snapped Croc, as he brought the fish over to the fire. Harley looked at the bullet-riddled rodent and sighed, reaching for her knife.

"Honestly, Harl, it's like you've never skinned something before!" snapped Joker, grabbing the dead animal away from her half an hour later. The other rogues were enjoying their smoked fish while Harley was still trying to take the skin off the rodent, and Joker had lost his patience.

"It's a simple twist, snap, slit, and rip," he explained. "Twist the body, snap the spine, split a hole around the skull, and rip the skin off," he said, demonstrating each step much to the disgust of the others present. "Also works for humans, although it's more fun if they're alive. And they don't taste as nice."

"You've eaten humans?" asked Ivy.

"Nope, but who knows what kinda extremes we're gonna be driven to on this planet?" asked Joker, shrugging. "Might as well be prepared! If we start by eating Croc, he'll last us a good while, and we'll have some skin to make shoes and handbags out of!"

"Why would we eat the person who can catch fish for us?" demanded Two-Face.

"Well, if Pammie keeps refusing him, he might get kinda upset, and we may have no choice," sighed Joker.

"If it comes to a vote, I vote for eating you," growled Ivy.

"Stupid idea, Pammie," said Joker, shaking his head. "I'm all skin and bones. No meat on me. Can't eat Clayface – he's made of clay. Scarface we can't eat, but he might do for firewood if we get desperate…"

"Why are you doing this, J?" demanded Ivy, interrupting him. "Stop scaring everyone and trying to cause trouble! We have to keep our heads in this place, and you're not helping!"

"I'm trying to be prepared for every eventuality, Pammie," retorted Joker. "Even the worst. I'm a man of vision, and that's why I'm the Emperor."

"No, what you are is a colossal pain in the ass!" shouted Ivy. "And I think I speak for everyone when I say we'd all be a lot happier if you just got lost! Go be Emperor if you wanna, but stay the hell away from us!"

Joker stared at her, hurt. "Fine, you bunch of ingrates," he sniffed, getting to his feet. "If that's the way you feel about your Emperor, you don't deserve to have me. Harley and I will just start our own civilization far away from here. We don't need you guys weighing us down. And someday, when you least expect it, we'll come back and kill you all. C'mon, Harley."

"Can we at least stay until the food is cooked, Mr. J…" began Harley.

"I said come on, Harley!" he shouted.

Harley sighed, taking the half-cooked animal and following him. "Yes, Mr. J," she murmured.

"Farewell, losers!" said Joker, waving. "And good luck surviving without your Emperor! I predict you'll be dead within the week!"

"I certainly hope you'll be!" shouted Ivy as Joker and Harley disappeared into the woods. "Good riddance," she muttered, sitting back down.

Crane cleared his throat. "Pamela, while I agree that it's best that Joker leaves, to throw Harley out into the wild like that seems rather barbaric…"

"She didn't have to go with him," interrupted Ivy. "She made her choice, and I think we all always knew it'd be him. I always knew, anyway."

She held back her tears and tried to concentrate on her food as silence descended upon the remaining inmates.

…

"Mr. J, doncha think we should go back?" asked Harley, quietly, as she followed the path Joker hacked through the undergrowth. "It's getting dark."

"I ain't going back to that bunch of losers," retorted Joker. "We don't need 'em, Harl."

"No," agreed Harley. "But, y'know…maybe we could all be friends again if we just apologized…"

"I don't apologize, Harley," he interrupted. "Especially when I ain't done anything wrong. All I've done is been a benevolent and kind leader to those people, and they don't appreciate it, so to hell with them. I hope a giant plant eats 'em all, starting with Pammie."

Harley sighed. "Well, can we at least sit down?" she asked, plopping down on a stone. "I'm tired."

Joker sat down next to her as they saw the twin suns sink below the trees and darkness approached. The jungle surrounding them began to hum with strange sounds and cries. "Kinda creepy out here, huh?" asked Harley, shivering.

"Yeah. Never been one for space travel," said Joker, nodding. "The reason all these alien worlds are so far away from us is because we ain't meant to be on 'em. I mean, if we were, we'd have been born with interstellar transporters, am I right? Or be able to fly through space like Superfreak."

"I guess," agreed Harley. "Do ya ever think that…maybe humans came from space originally? Like we're descended from a race of aliens or something? Like maybe if the Bible's true, Jesus was an alien, or they built the pyramids, or left behind crystal skulls with the Mayans, or…"

"What the hell are you talking about?" interrupted Joker.

"I dunno…just stuff you see on the History Channel," said Harley, shrugging.

Joker snorted. "Talk about a joke," he muttered. "I mean, people call me crazy, but I ain't got nothing on those conspiracy theory nuts."

"Yeah, but with the superheroes everywhere, it ain't the craziest possibility," said Harley. "I mean, if this planet's kinda like Earth only different, maybe it's possible we do come from outer space. Doncha ever wonder about stuff like that, Mr. J?"

Joker was silent. "I think we didn't come from anywhere," he muttered. "I think we're just characters invented by some guys ages ago, and put in story after story in an endless series of events for cheap entertainment and amusement, and that all our lives are basically futile and purposeless." Then he grinned. "And that's why you always gotta smile and laugh for the audience, baby!" he chuckled, kissing her. "Because all the world loves a clown!"

"Mr. J, stop creeping me out!" said Harley, shivering again. "I hate the idea that people are constantly watching us, like some characters in a TV show, waiting for the next disaster to strike!"

Joker kissed her again. "Then let's make 'em stop watching by boring 'em, sweets," he said. "Let's go find someplace to sleep."

Harley nodded, and Joker stood up, taking her hand. "Maybe we can cuddle into that nook in that tree over there," he said, pointing. They headed toward it, and screamed as the ground they were walking on suddenly gave way. The darkness and a pile of leaves had concealed a hole that they fell into, not deep enough to hurt, but too deep to climb out of.

"You ok, pooh?" called Joker, straightening up and dusting himself off.

"Yeah, Mr. J!" she called, struggling to her feet. "But what the heck is this doing here?"

"If I didn't know better, I'd say it's some kinda trap," said Joker, looking around. "But who'd put a trap out on an alien planet?"

"Uh…my guess is them," said Harley, nodding upward. Joker looked up to see a rim of torches surrounding the hole, held by shadowy figures in cloaks.

"Oh, great. Aliens," muttered Joker, as he and Harley both held up their hands. "I hate these guys."


	5. Chapter 5

"Any sign of them, Victor?" asked Ivy, the next day.

Freeze stopped scanning and shook his head. "My scanners reveal no signs of human life in a twenty mile radius," he replied.

"They couldn't have got further than twenty miles, surely?" asked Crane, softly.

"I dunno," sighed Ivy, dropping her head into her hands. "God, if they're dead, it's all my fault…"

"Superman said they'd be monitored," said Two-Face, soothingly. "I'm sure if they were in any danger, they would have been evacuated back to Earth…"

"And you trust that freak in tights?!" interrupted Ivy, furiously. "Cause I sure as hell don't! And what if he stepped away from the monitor or something and one of those giant pods got 'em, or a wild animal, or…"

"So the Joker is dead," interrupted Nygma, smiling smugly. "And one less inferior mind is destroyed. Hardly a loss to society, wouldn't you agree?"

"Oh, shut up, Nygma, it's Harley everyone's concerned about, and you know it," growled Crane.

"Well, I hardly think she's a loss to society either," retorted Nygma, shrugging. "The last thing the world needed was another bubble-headed blonde bimbo…"

Ivy rushed forward to punch him, but Crane beat her to it, striking Nygma a harsh blow to the face that knocked him to the ground. "Don't you dare speak of her like that!" he growled. "You know nothing about her! She's the most beautiful, intelligent, precious woman in the world…"

"Yes, come along, Jonathan, now is neither the time nor the place to confess your feelings," said Tetch, trying to pull him away.

"You don't hit me," snapped Nygma, struggling to his feet and wiping his bleeding lip.

"Then you apologize for insulting Harley right now," hissed Crane.

"I never apologize because I'm never wrong," snapped Nygma.

"Boys, just break it up!" shouted Two-Face, stepping in between them. "This is a fight nobody wants to see! It would just look too weird!"

"Yeah, and it's probably just what the creep wants," growled Ivy, pacing. "Even when he might be dead, he's still making us fight amongst ourselves."

"I guess we learned our lesson, though," said Croc, nodding. "It's a bad idea to exile the Emperor."

Ivy sighed heavily. "Ok, I'm going out looking for them," she said, heading toward the jungle.

"You can't go on your own!" said Two-Face, seizing her arm. "It's dangerous out there!"

"Thought you had faith that Superman was gonna come save us if it got too dangerous," said Ivy, sarcastically.

Two-Face glared at her. "I'm coming with you," he growled.

"As am I," said Crane.

Ivy nodded slowly. "Ok. The rest of you stay here. Jervis, Eddie, Victor, if you can somehow find a way to turn that TV into a transmitter so we can communicate with Earth…I will actually sleep with you."

"I'm a married man," retorted Freeze, glaring at her contemptuously.

"And I would never cheat on Alice like that," said Tetch, also glaring.

Nygma shrugged. "I'd be up for it," he said.

"Hey, Crane already owes you a beating," growled Two-Face, pointing warningly at him. "Don't make me add to it."

"If we're not back by nightfall…don't come looking for us," said Ivy, and she strode off into the jungle.

"At least he's left an easy trail to follow," commented Crane as they made their way through the cleared undergrowth.

"Yeah, subtlety is not J's specialty," agreed Two-Face. "Although in this case it's a good thing."

"I hope something _has _eaten him," growled Ivy. "But I hope Harley managed to escape. I mean, she'll be upset and all, but she'll get over it, and be better off in the long run. And then maybe she can get a little self-esteem and self-respect back, and start dating again, a nice guy this time, who'll respect her and won't abuse her…"

"Someone like me, perhaps?" said Crane, lightly.

"No, someone younger," sighed Ivy.

"I don't see what age has got to do with…" began Crane angrily, but he was cut off suddenly as he tripped over a root and fell backward off the path, disappearing from sight.

"Johnny?" called Ivy, rushing over. "You ok?"

"No," he retorted. "I appear to have landed in some sort of pit…"

"Ok, we'll get something to help you out," said Two-Face, grabbing a branch off a tree and pulling out his knife.

"Don't hurt it, Harvey," muttered Ivy, grabbing his hand.

"You wanna just leave Crane in the pit?" demanded Two-Face.

"Let me try talking to it," pleaded Ivy.

"Oh yeah, because that worked so well last time," growled Two-Face, rolling his eyes.

"Please," she said.

He sighed, but put his knife away. Ivy shut her eyes and focused on communicating with the surrounding foliage. Although the language was still utterly foreign, these plants seemed more willing to try to communicate with her, and even though she couldn't understand their words, she got a sense of their meaning. It was urgent, desperate, warning…

And then she felt the point of a knife against her back. She turned slowly to see a group of hooded figures surrounding them.

The figures spoke to each other in a strange language, and then removed their hoods. Ivy was surprised to see that they were humanoid in form, similar to humans in every way, except their skin was a light, purple color, and their hair a dark green. One of the figures held out a small device to her, indicating that she put it in her ear. Ivy obeyed, and the device acted as a translator, because she now understood exactly what they were saying: "You are to come with us, please."

Despite their weapons, they didn't appear to be hostile, and Ivy nodded slowly, glancing at Two-Face, who was putting a transmitter in his own ear. Two other figures were helping Crane out of the pit and handed him one.

"I think we should do what they say," murmured Ivy.

They followed the figures through the jungle, and after what seemed like hours, they broke through the trees. A huge city lay before them, made entirely of what looked like polished white marble.

"It's beautiful," breathed Ivy.

"It is home," said one of the figures. "Built for us by the Great One centuries ago. Long have we awaited his return, but now he has come in his chosen form, as was foretold long ago in the Sacred Text."

"The Great One?" repeated Ivy, following them through the gates of the city. "You mean like a god?"

"Not _a _god," said the figure, shaking its head. "_The _God. The One, True Bringer of All Happiness, the Blessed One, the Lord of Light and Laughter. He Who Smiles Upon Us Always, and Every Smile is a Blessing. He asked that any creatures we meet in the wild be delivered into His presence, so consider yourselves most fortunate to be able to greet Him. I pray you are not blinded by the light of His majesty. May the Lord of Laughter smile upon you," he said, bowing at Ivy as he opened the door to a huge temple.

Ivy looked inside and her face fell. "Oh…my God," she stammered.

The Joker lay sprawled across a throne, surrounded by wealth, food, and gifts, while Harley fanned him with a palm leaf, and aliens bowed low in front of him. Joker saw Ivy, Crane, and Two-Face, and beamed. "Aliens!" he said, holding up his hands and laughing hysterically. "I love these guys!"

He kept laughing, and the aliens began chanting, falling to the ground and worshipping him. "Hi, Red!" exclaimed Harley, pausing in her fanning to wave at them.

"J…what the hell are you doing?" hissed Ivy, ripping the translator out of her ear.

"Being a god, Pammie, obviously," retorted Joker, shutting his eyes and smiling. "I realize now that I was thinking too small with that whole Emperor Joker thing. God Joker sounds so much better, doesn't it?"

"Why do they think you're a god?" asked Two-Face, looking around.

"They got some clown cult thing going on," said Joker, gesturing to the art around the temple, all of which depicted clowns. "They're like some kinda sacred figure here. I got a whole temple full of Harleys!" he laughed, gesturing to what appeared to be priestesses in full clown makeup, who bowed low and began chanting at his laughter.

"But I'm puddin's Chosen One," explained Harley, resuming her fanning. "So I get the honor of attending him constantly, unlike these bimbos."

"J, you have to stop this," growled Ivy. "When they find out you're not a god, they're going to be very angry."

"And who's gonna tell 'em, Pammie?" chuckled Joker. "You?"

Harley picked up a fruit which resembled grapes and began feeding them to him. "Now why doncha take a deep breath and bow before God Joker?" asked Joker, grinning at her.

"I will never do that," hissed Ivy.

Joker sighed. "Ok. I'd like that one sacrificed, please," he said, pointing to Ivy.

Guards rushed forward, and Ivy said hastily, "Ok, ok, I'll do it."

"Stand down," said Joker, grinning as Ivy got down on her knees and bowed to him. "Aw, that's great, Pammie!" he said, beaming. "Why don't you boys go scour the jungle and find the others, and bring 'em all here?" he said to the scouts who had brought them. "And then you can throw a big feast in honor of God Joker, and maybe I'll sacrifice Nygma or something."

"You can't kill Nygma," retorted Ivy. "He's trying to work on a way to communicate with Earth and get us off this planet."

"Why would anyone wanna get off this planet?" chuckled Joker, leaning back and shutting his eyes again. "I'm quite happy to stay like this forever. What about you, Harley girl?"

"Sure thing, Mr. J," purred Harley, feeding him more grapes.

"They're not gonna buy this God thing forever…" began Ivy.

"Maybe not, but they buy it for now," interrupted Joker. "And that's good enough for me."

He laughed again, and the alien chanting grew louder. "Y'know, if only Bats were here to see this," he said, wistfully. "Then this place really would be paradise. Oh well. It's tough to be a god, but I guess I'll have to do my best," he chuckled.


	6. Chapter 6

Gotham City was quiet. Batman stood on the roof, peering through his binoculars for any sign of crime. Suddenly, he saw two masked men entering a bank not far off. Batman grappled across the skyline, landing on the roof on the bank and waiting to pounce on the robbers when they left. The door opened again and Batman prepared to jump…

"Freeze!" shouted a voice, and suddenly the front of the bank was blazing with light as the surrounding police cars switched on their headlights. The robbers raised their hands, dropping the loot, as Commissioner Gordon and Detective Bullock came forward to arrest them.

"Well, lookey who's hanging around here," said Bullock, looking up and noticing Batman. "You wanna join the arrest, freak?"

"Batman, nice of you stop by," said Commissioner Gordon, smiling at him. "But we got this one."

"Yeah, so why doncha go join the rest of your freak friends on that alien planet," said Bullock, lighting a cigar. "We ain't got any use for you in Gotham no more."

"Harvey, cool it," snapped Gordon. "Take the suspects to the patrol car."

Bullock obeyed, leaving Gordon alone with Batman. "Seems like we run into each other a lot these days," said Gordon, lighting his pipe. "Nice change. Usually we're the ones desperately calling you for help. You doing ok?"

"Why wouldn't I be?" retorted Batman.

"Well, now that the GCPD's got most of the petty criminals under control, it doesn't seem like there's a lot for you to do anymore," said Gordon. "We can take the regular bad guys. Job's a whole lot easier without freaks like the Joker screwing things up."

"Yeah," agreed Batman. "I guess it is."

"You should take some time off," said Gordon, clapping him on the back. "Go on vacation somewhere. Relax. You deserve it."

"Yeah," repeated Batman. "Thanks, Jim."

Gordon smiled. "Have a good night. See you around," he said, getting back into the car and driving off with the rest of the squad.

Batman watched them disappear, and then sighed, grappling to the roof again. He wasn't the kinda guy who liked time off, or relaxing. It made him feel purposeless, useless, and he didn't like feeling that. He almost wished the supercriminals had found some way to get back, but he was ashamed of wishing that. It was selfish of him to put his own feelings above the good of Gotham. That's not something a hero would do. And Gotham was definitely safer now. The Justice League had accomplished what he had always set out to do. So why wasn't he happy?

A vision of the Joker suddenly popped into his head, something he had said to him while Batman while he was tied up once, hanging over a bubbling vat of Joker toxin. "Why are you always so grim, Bats?" Joker had asked. "Did your Mommy just not hug you enough when you were a little boy? Would it really kill you to smile for once? Or do you just not know how to be happy?"

Batman had been concentrating on undoing his ropes at the time so he could break free of the trap and beat Joker into a pulp and drag him back to Arkham in chains, which was what had happened in the end. But now the words came back to him, and he had a horrible feeling that the Joker might be right. Maybe he didn't know how to be happy. Maybe he was Batman to fill up some empty void in his life. And now that Batman wasn't needed…maybe he wasn't needed either.

Batman dropped to the ground, and was surprised to find himself in Gotham Zoo. He had been wandering fairly aimlessly and hadn't intended to end up here. But it had been a long time since he had visited this place, and since he didn't appear to be needed to stop crime in Gotham, there were certainly worse ways to spend an evening. He wandered among the cages, and suddenly stopped in front of one: the hyena cage. And he recognized those hyenas. They were Joker and Harley's pets, and they had attacked him a thousand times. He had seen their teeth bared at him and their eyes flashing in rage more times than he could count. But now they lay side by side, whimpering softly, sadness in their big, brown eyes.

They looked up at his approach and growled softly, but quickly lost interest in him and lowered their heads, continuing to whine. "Tragic, isn't it?" said a voice suddenly.

Batman looked up to see Catwoman climbing down from the roof of the cage. "I hate seeing animals locked up," she said. "It's just not right to take a creature out of its natural habitat like that and lock it away in unfamiliar surroundings."

"Sometimes we lock things up so that we can protect innocent people from them," murmured Batman. "And so we can protect them from themselves."

"Oh yeah, hyenas are pretty vicious monsters sometimes," agreed Catwoman. "But there's something kinda tragic about not letting them be who they are. Still, you're right, they hurt people, so let's lock 'em up. People's safety is a lot more important than these worthless mutts being happy."

"I'm not a dog person myself," retorted Batman.

"Yeah, me neither," agreed Catwoman, nodding. "But I definitely prefer them to people. Animals are more resilient, you see. They can survive out in the wild or caged up. Unlike people. You can't just dump a load of people out in the wild somewhere and expect them to survive."

Batman was silent. "Still, I guess they deserve it," continued Catwoman. "If it's in their nature to be cruel and vicious, and there's no changing 'em, they don't deserve to even live here anymore. Let's see, sharks, lions, tigers, bears, wolves…all the dangerous creatures in the world, let's get rid of 'em, and then maybe all the precious human beings will be safe. Let's send them all off Earth, to be somebody else's problem, in some galaxy far away."

"Just talk to me straight, Selina," snapped Batman, rounding on her. "Are you saying you want the supercriminals back?"

Catwoman shrugged. "I can't deny I miss the competition," she replied, studying her nails. "And I miss Harley and Ivy. Those two were always good for a margarita and bitching session whenever I was mad at you. Now I only got you to talk to."

Batman turned away from the cage with a sigh. "You miss 'em too, don't you?" asked Selina, quietly.

"I can't put my personal feelings before the good of the city…" began Batman.

"No, and you'd hate to defy your precious little Justice League, wouldn't you?" said Catwoman, scornfully. "What's happened to you, Bats? You used to not take crap from anybody. And you know what they've decided isn't right…"

"If it makes this city safer…"

"Do you know what would make this city safest?" interrupted Catwoman. "If you killed all the supercriminals. But you won't do that, will you, Batman? And you know why? Because you know in your heart that's not right."

She approached him, laying a hand on his shoulder. "It's time to start listening to your heart," she whispered. "And in your heart you know you're responsible for those guys. You always have been. The Joker wouldn't even exist without you. And that's why this doesn't feel right to you. You're shirking your responsibility, and that's not who you are. That's not a heroic thing to do."

"I'm no hero," retorted Batman.

"You're _my_ hero," she murmured. "But just for once, I'd like to see you do something just a little bit wicked, and tell the Justice League to keep their super-noses outta your and Gotham's business."

"Even if I wanted to do that…"

"At least tell me you _do _want to do that."

"Of course I do!" snapped Batman. "But there's no way I can force them to bring them back!"

"There _are _ways, but they wouldn't be very heroic," agreed Catwoman. "But imagine if you were allowed access to those monitors, and saw how chaotic Planet Arkham was now that the crazies have taken control. I imagine it's something like _Lord of the Flies_ meets and marries _Battle Royale_, but has a secret lovechild with _Apocalypse Now_, and _Battle Royale_ finds out and takes brutal revenge on both of them."

"Where are you going with this?" asked Batman, puzzled.

"I'm saying if Batman told the Justice League that the prisoners were no longer safe on Planet Arkham, they would have no choice but to evacuate them," said Catwoman. "And then Batman could argue that it would be safer to keep them here in Gotham in the long run so Batman could monitor them, and prevent them from spreading insanity to other worlds throughout the galaxy. I mean, at least the crazy's kinda contained in Gotham at the moment instead of being spread all over the universe. Talk about the greater good, right?"

"You mean lie to the Justice League?" asked Batman.

"Lie, or Kitty could help you break into that monitoring station," purred Catwoman, holding up a stiletto and smiling.

"I can do my own breaking in, thanks," retorted Batman, holding up his own stiletto.

"Fine, if you don't want me to come with," sighed Catwoman, disappointed.

"I didn't say that, did I?" retorted Batman, striding off. "Just keep up."

Catwoman grinned. "Tall, dark, brooding, forceful, and a little naughty," she murmured, following him. "My kinda hero."


	7. Chapter 7

"I can't believe they think he's a god," muttered Poison Ivy, arms folded across her chest as she glared at the assembled group of worshippers kneeling before the Joker. "As if his ego needed any more inflating."

"Well, at least he's kept us all alive," said Two-Face. "These aliens could have been hostile towards us if they hadn't started worshipping J."

"Yeah, and now they'll do whatever he tells them," growled Ivy. "What if someone displeases him? You think J will hesitate to sacrifice them?"

"I suggest you don't displease him, then," retorted Two-Face.

"Are you actually ok with this?" demanded Ivy. "Living in J's benevolent dictatorship?"

Two-Face shrugged. "The way I see it, if we start challenging J, the aliens are gonna turn on us and probably try to kill us. I'm just looking to remain alive. Anyway, the coin came up good side when I asked it if I should reveal J for the fraud that he is. So I'm just gonna play along."

Ivy sighed heavily. "So this is paradise?" she asked, turning to him. "We all live to serve and worship J? Sounds more like my vision of hell."

Two-Face shrugged again. "I guess it's paradise for J," he said. "And Harley."

"Red, you seen anymore of those grape things Mr. J likes?" asked Harley, appearing suddenly and shoving Ivy out of the way as she searched through a bunch of crates behind her.

"If I had, Harley, I wouldn't leave my babies for J to scoff them down like the pig he is," retorted Ivy.

Harley straightened up suddenly. "He could sacrifice you for that!" she snapped. "And then damn you to the seventh circle of the World of Darkness and Infinite Pain!"

"No, he can't!" snapped Ivy. "He's not actually God, Harley!"

"He's _my _God," retorted Harley. "And it's great that puddin' is finally getting the respect he deserves from all those fans out there. They're a lot smarter than those idiots back in Gotham who couldn't see puddin' for the true genius he is," she sighed adoringly. "Not to mention the most perfect, handsome, sweet man in the whole entire universe…"

"Harley, hurry up with those grapes, would ya?!" shouted Joker in annoyance.

"Sorry, puddin', I can't find any," she said, rushing back over to him.

Joker sighed heavily. "Honestly, what's the point of having a Chosen One if she can't even complete a simple task like finding grapes?" he muttered, turning to another priestess. "Hey sweetheart, think you can get me some of those fruit things I was eating earlier?"

"Fruit things?" repeated the priestess, puzzled.

"Yeah. Small, round, greenish type balls…"

"Oh, you mean the candied testicles," said the priestess. "Yes, we shall castrate some more Smornogs immediately."

"No, no, that's ok," said Joker hastily. "Just gonna go…do some godly things…elsewhere for a second. Don't go away," he said, winking at them. "Harley, help me find a bathroom," he muttered.

"And what is this device you're laboring on?" asked one of the aliens as he watched Nygma, Tetch, Freeze, and Crane manipulating wires on the television.

"It's far too complex for the primitive mind to understand," retorted Nygma. "I mean, this civilization is what, stuck in the Bronze Age equivalent on Earth?"

"Edward, don't be unkind," retorted Tetch. "We call it a television," he explained. "Words and pictures can be transmitted through it from great distances."

"Why would one not just go the distance?" asked the alien, puzzled. "It is only a matter of a few seconds to go anywhere, after all. Surely it simpler to transport oneself rather than data?"

"How do you…transport yourselves?" asked Crane, slowly.

"Through the transportation device, of course," retorted the alien. "Do you not have such things on your planet?"

"…No," said Crane, sharing a look with Tetch. "But we'd certainly love to have a look."

"Brone Age equivalent, eh, Nygma?" muttered Tetch as they followed the alien out of the temple to an adjacent building which held nothing but a small booth.

"We have transportation devices everywhere," explained the alien. "As a matter of convenience only, because it is not necessary to have a device in the location you wish to transport to."

The alien pressed a button on the booth, and a screen popped up, revealing the planet in its entirety. The alien touched the screen and it zoomed out to reveal the universe. And then zoomed out to reveal more universes. "Where is it you wish to go?" he asked, turning to them. "You merely select the location and press this button, and you will appear there."

They all shared a look. "Does…God know about this?" asked Nygma, slowly.

"We did not think it worth bothering the Lord of Laughter with such trivialities," replied the alien. "Should I inform him of…"

"No, no, no," said Nygma, hastily. "No, you're right, he shouldn't be burdened with details like this. He's got so much on his heavenly mind, after all. Let's just make it our little secret."

"What are you thinking, Edward?" demanded Crane as the alien left them.

"Leave Joker here, and let the rest of us get the hell back to Earth," muttered Nygma. "You can't deny Gotham will be a better place without him. And he's happy here being worshipped – everybody wins."

"Now you're starting to sound like Superman," muttered Tetch. "We can't just go back to Earth – eventually the Justice League will catch us and send us back here."

"Forgive me if I have more faith in my abilities than you," retorted Nygma.

"I am returning to Earth," said Freeze, stepping forward and zooming in on the planet. "I will not be parted from Nora a moment longer than necessary."

"And I'm going with you," said Nygma. "You two remain here if you want to, but it's a riddle to me why anyone would. And if it's a riddle I don't have the answer to, it's just plain nonsense."

"I happen to be quite a fan of nonsense," retorted Tetch.

"I have selected Gotham City," said Freeze.

"Last chance," said Nygma, looking at Crane and Tetch.

They both shook their heads. "Well, see you on the other side, then," said Nygma, tipping his hat. Freeze pressed the button and the two of them disappeared.

"Hey, whatcha nerds got here?" said a voice. Crane and Tetch whirled around to see Joker entering the building and looking around, supported by Harley.

"What happened to you?" asked Crane.

"Just threw up most of my insides, thanks for asking, Johnny," retorted Joker. "Food here don't really agree with me."

"What's this?" asked Harley, nodding at the screen.

"It's a transportation device," explained Crane. "You can use it to…ow!" he shouted as Tetch elbowed him in the ribs. "What the hell was that for?!"

"Personally I agreed with Nygma's idea," hissed Tetch.

"Nygma?" repeated Joker, looking around. "Yeah, where is old Eddie? They're preparing a feast for me tonight and I kinda wanted to make him the human sacrifice to me."

Tetch and Crane shared a look. "He's gone," said Tetch.

"Gone where?" asked Joker. "There's no way off this rock. Is there?"

Crane looked at Tetch again, who sighed heavily. "Fine," he snapped. "Tell him."

"He's gone back to Earth," said Crane. "With Freeze. This machine can send you anywhere in the universe, and so they've…"

"There's a way back to Earth?" interrupted Joker. "And you guys weren't gonna tell me? That's almost a sacrificial offense, y'know."

"We…thought you were happy here, being loved and worshipped," said Tetch, slowly.

"Oh yeah, I'm happy enough," said Joker. "But what a gag it would be to take my little followers and transport them all to Earth, and tell them to take over the planet for little old me, their God, and kill everyone else, including those Justice League jerks!"

"What chance do they have against super-powered…" began Crane.

"Hey, E.T., get in here!" shouted Joker suddenly. An alien rushed to attend him, bowing.

"What is your will, my Lord?" he asked.

"You remember how you were telling me about those miniature death ray things you've built?" asked Joker, casually. "Y'know, the ones that were kinda like guns, but had all the firepower of, like, the Death Star?"

"Again with the Star Wars," sighed Harley, rolling her eyes.

"I'm a Star Wars fan, all right?" snapped Joker. "I got a real affinity with that Luke guy…"

"If you would like a demonstration of the Death Rays, my Lord, I'm sure it can be arranged," said the alien, bowing again. "Please come with me."

They climbed the giant, white walls of the city so that they were looking out over the landscape below. The alien was brought what looked to be small rifle, and aimed it toward a patch of jungle. He pulled the trigger, there was a loud, ear-splitting explosion, and when the smoke cleared, only a blackened crater remained where the jungle had been.

Joker laughed hysterically as the alien bowed down, holding out the gun to him. "Gotta love that ka-boom, huh, guys?" he chuckled, taking the gun. "I doubt even Superfreak can repel firepower of that magnitude!"

"Enough with the Star Wars, huh, puddin'?" asked Harley, gently.

"We will be willing to die for you, my Lord, if you wish it," said the alien, sincerely. "What planet has displeased you? We shall go there, raze it to the ground, and slaughter all the inhabitants. Command us, Lord, and we will obey," he said, falling to his knees.

Joker grinned. "You boys ever hear of a little place called Planet Earth?" he asked. "Real dump. And the population leaves a lot to be desired. Most of 'em can't take a joke. And if there's one thing I can't stand in a race, it's no sense of humor."

"We will do anything for your laughter, my Lord," said the alien. "Would you like them exterminated? Would that make you laugh?"

Joker smiled. "Y'know, E.T., I really think it would," he murmured.


	8. Chapter 8

"Gotta hand it to you, Bats, this is a sweet ride," said Catwoman, leaning back in the front seat of the Batmobile. "What's this thing's limit, about 200 miles an hour?"

"I've never pushed it to its limits," retorted Batman. "But it's done 200."

Catwoman whistled. "Handles well too, I see," she said, studying the wheel. She grinned. "You know, they say a man drives a car the same way he makes love to a woman," she murmured.

"This is not how I make love to a woman," retorted Batman.

"No. I imagine you're a little less restrained, huh, Batsy?" she asked, grinning. He didn't respond, just stared straight ahead. Catwoman looked around the car some more. "You ever…made love in this thing?" she asked, slowly.

"Joker and Harley did once," said Batman, flatly.

Catwoman shuddered. "Well, that's an image to turn you off forever," she muttered, folding her arms across her chest. "Thanks, Bats."

"Just don't want you to be distracted on the job, Selina," said Batman, calmly.

"Then maybe you should stop being such a fascinating distraction," she replied. "There's nothing like curiosity for captivating a cat."

Batman kept his eyes on the road. "Aren't you just a little bit curious about the cat yourself, Batsy?" murmured Catwoman, sliding her hand onto his thigh. "Doncha wanna…satisfy your curiosity a little?"

Batman suddenly slammed on the brakes. "I know, I'm coming on too strong, I'll stop…" began Catwoman.

"I could have sworn I just saw the Riddler," muttered Batman, staring at the road in confusion.

"Where?" asked Catwoman, looking around.

"Just over there," he said, nodding toward an alley. He reversed the car and shone his headlights into the alley, but there was no sign of anyone.

"Must have been my imagination," muttered Batman, starting the car again and driving off. "Riddler's safely on Planet Arkham with the rest of the inmates."

"It's nice to know you were imagining the Riddler when I had my hand on your thigh," said Catwoman, sarcastically.

"Aren't you glad I didn't imagine the Joker?" asked Batman, giving her a small smile.

Catwoman smiled back. "Joker says you have no sense of humor. I guess he doesn't know you as well as he thinks."

"Or maybe he's just joking when he says that," retorted Batman. "You never can tell with him."

"Do you think the others have killed him yet?" asked Catwoman. "I can't imagine being trapped with him on some alien planet. He'd drive everybody nuts."

"Hard to do when everyone there is already crazy," said Batman.

"People in costumes, Bats, shouldn't point fingers," retorted Catwoman.

Batman was about to respond when he suddenly slammed on the brakes again. Because the road, which had been entirely empty before, now contained two figures, who had appeared out of nowhere. One of them was Poison Ivy, who had the other figure, Jonathan Crane, in a headlock, and was shouting at him while punching him mercilessly.

"You idiot! Why would you tell him about the transporter?! Why, why, why?!"

"Ivy, stop it!" shouted Batman, leaping out of the car and rushing to separate them.

"Bats!" gasped Ivy, dropping Crane to the ground and beaming at Batman. She raced into his arms. "If you knew how glad I am to see…oh…hi, Selina," she said, pulling away from Batman slowly. She had been about to kiss him when she noticed Catwoman getting out of the car.

"Hello, Ivy," said Catwoman, glaring at her. "Do I go around trying to kiss your guy?"

"Harvey is not my guy," snapped Ivy.

"Really? So you won't mind me kissing him when I next see him?" asked Catwoman.

"Ladies, stop it," commanded Batman, as Ivy started forward. "Ivy, what on earth are you doing here? How did you get off Planet Arkham?"

"Tell 'em, genius," snapped Ivy, rounding on Crane, who was struggling to his feet.

"Yes…just a moment," gasped Crane, rubbing his cheek tenderly. "Let me catch my breath…"

"It's all his fault," continued Ivy. "Joker's gone insane!"

"_Gone _insane?" repeated Catwoman. "What was he before, mildly eccentric?"

"He's gone even more insane, if you can believe it, all thanks to the Professor here," retorted Ivy. "J wouldn't ever have known if Johnny hadn't told him."

"Told him what?" asked Batman.

"Planet Arkham is not uninhabited," explained Crane. "There is a race of aliens there, who have adopted the Joker as their god. They are an incredibly technologically advanced race who have built a transporter which will send people anywhere in the universe. And when…the Joker was informed of this…"

"When Johnny spilled the beans," corrected Ivy.

"He decided it would terribly amusing if he sent his zealot worshippers to invade Earth," finished Crane. "He's making all the arrangements…"

"You have to stop him," interrupted Ivy. "I've lived under God Joker's regime, and it's no picnic. If you don't smile constantly, he threatens to sacrifice you."

"He enforces mandatory laughing hours," continued Crane. "If you stop laughing during them, you're sacrificed."

"He made Scarface into a marionette to dance for his amusement, and puts on a puppet show every day that's mandatory viewing! But they're awful!"

"When he's in a bad mood, he picks a random citizen to sacrifice, and makes them laugh as they do it, Aztec style, to cheer himself up."

"He makes all the women dress like Harley! And I know I shouldn't be judgmental, but some of those women's body shapes do not suit Harley costumes!"

"We have mandatory compliment hours where we have to think of new ways to tell him how great he is, or we get sacrificed."

"He makes Clayface shapeshift into Batman, and then makes him lose to him in a fight every evening."

"Well, that's gotta be a little flattering, huh, Bats?" asked Catwoman, grinning.

Batman was silent. "We can't let that madman do this," he murmured. "We have to tell the Justice League to go there, stop him, and bring all the supercriminals back to Earth. Now."

"For the greater good?" asked Catwoman, smiling.

"Exactly," retorted Batman.


	9. Chapter 9

"Oh my God," muttered Tetch, watching from the temple window as the aliens below began arming themselves.

"You called?" said Joker, entering the room with Harley fanning him.

"J, you have to stop this invasion," growled Two-Face, rounding on him. "It's madness."

"Yes, it will be a laugh riot," agreed Joker, nodding.

"And it's destined to fail," continued Two-Face.

"Who told you that, Harvey, your coin?" chuckled Joker. "See, this is why you'll never be God."

"You aren't God!" snapped Tetch.

Joker sighed heavily, shaking his head. "Denying God, eh? That sounds kinda like a sacrificial offense to me, Tetchy, so I'd watch yourself. Now, where's my puppet?" he asked, looking around.

"Scarface and the Ventriloquist have returned to Earth," growled Two-Face.

"What? But they'll miss the invasion party!" exclaimed Joker. "No, wait, scratch that, they'll have front row seats!" he chuckled. "Was anyone else crazy enough to go back to a soon-to-be decimated planet besides them?"

"Everyone has except the three of us," said Two-Face, gesturing to himself, Tetch, and Clayface. "But we're next."

"Fine, go back there and get killed when Joker's Legion of the Faithful descend on you and slaughter you all!" snapped Joker. "See if I care!"

"J, before we go, you have to call this off…" began Two-Face.

"Not listening," interrupted Joker.

"J…"

"Nope, not listening, sacrificed, sacrificed, sacrificed," he said, pointing at them each in turn. "C'mon, Harl, let's leave these infidels to their destruction."

"It's a funny thing, being God, y'know, baby," sighed Joker, taking a seat in his throne. "I mean, you're such a polarized figure! So many people love you, but then some people just hate you and resent you, because they're jealous. And then others just deny your existence, buncha atheist freaks. Though I guess if I were Tetchy, I wouldn't believe in God either. Nobody could be that much of a loser by design, could they?"

"You tell me, puddin', you're God," said Harley, smiling and bending down to kiss him.

"Yeah, don't kiss God," said Joker, pushing her away. "I've been meaning to talk to you about that, Harley. It's kinda demeaning for the Lord of Laughter to be slobbered over like a piece of meat. I'm divine, baby – it just looks bad, y'know?"

"Oh…ok, puddin'," said Harley, slowly. "I guess I'll just…kiss you in private…"

"I'm still God in private, sweets," said Joker, patiently. "And it ain't very godly to have a little blonde floozy hanging around me all the time, no matter how cute she looks holding a fan."

Harley stared at him. "What…are you saying?" she stammered.

Joker sighed. "I'm saying that God can't really have romantic relationships with mortals, sweets," he said, taking her hand. "I'm saying that…you're no longer my Chosen One. I'm saying we have to break up."

Harley just looked at him. "You're…dumping me?" she gasped.

"Yeah, but think of it this way," said Joker. "At least you were dumped by God…"

Harley suddenly struck him a harsh blow across the face. "You're not God!" she shrieked. "And you're not dumping me after all I've done for you, you ungrateful jerk! I worshipped you years before these morons did! And you know why I worshipped you, Mr. J?! Not because you were God, but because you were a man! Because you were _my _man! My puddin'! And I want my puddin' back right now, so just get this God crap outta your head before I have to beat it outta you, get me?!"

"Don't talk to God like…ow!" shouted Joker, as Harley hit him again. "Hey, someone come protect my divine person over here!"

The aliens rushed over to pull Harley off Joker. "I think you broke my nose, you dumb broad!" snapped Joker, drawing his hand slowly away from his bleeding face.

The aliens suddenly began muttering among themselves, confusion and then anger in their eyes. "The Lord of Laughter…does not bleed," murmured one of the aliens.

"The Lord of Laughter cannot be wounded by any mortal being," said another.

"You are not…the Lord of Laughter," said another, quietly.

Joker laughed, but the aliens didn't fall to their knees as they usually did. They just began to look even more angry and hostile.

"Why would you impersonate the Lord of Laughter?" asked one. "That is evil!"

"We sacrificed our people for you!" shouted another.

"You wanted us to start a war for you, an imposter!"

"A fraud!"

"Kill him!"

"Ok, everyone just take a moment and calm down…" said Joker slowly, getting to his feet. "I'm sure if we all just consider this rationally…"

"Kill the Pretender!" shouted an alien, and the others began cheering.

"Harley, I think that's our cue to exit," muttered Joker, grabbing her arm and rushing from the temple.

"Ready to go, guys?" asked Two-Face, looking from Tetch to Clayface as he prepared to push the button.

"Guys, wait up!" shouted a voice. They turned to see Joker racing toward them with Harley at his heels, and not far behind them, what appeared to be the entirety of the alien population, shouting furiously and shooting at them.

"Aw, Christ," muttered Two-Face.

At that moment, a laser blast hit the booth, destroying the controls. Two-Face sighed heavily, flipping his coin, which landed on the good side. "Let's move!" he shouted, grabbing Tetch and Clayface's arm, and racing toward the gates of the city with Harley and Joker following.

"Bas, distract 'em, will ya?!" snapped Joker at Clayface.

Clayface slammed himself against the gate once they were through, smashing into the giant walls and cracking them. He threw himself against them again, causing the stones to collapse in on itself, blocking the exit from the city.

"A rock slide?! Really?!" shouted Joker. "I wanted like a giant monster…"

"Nobody cares what you want anymore, J!" shouted Clayface.

"Head for the jungle!" shouted Two-Face.

"I've seen them incinerate a jungle!" retorted Joker.

"Then what's your bright idea for saving us, your holiness?" snapped Two-Face.

"I dunno! But we'll all get out of this alive – well, I will anyway, since I'm not an expendable character. The writers will never kill me off permanently. I always have to come back for next week's adventures."

"What the hell are you talking about?!" shouted Two-Face.

"Look, the important thing is not to panic!" shouted Joker.

As he spoke, another laser blast came from the wall of the city, hitting the jungle behind them and completely destroying it.

"Ok…start panicking," he said, slowly.

Suddenly, a loud roaring noise flew over their heads, and they looked up to see a spaceship descending to hover above their heads. The hatch opened and Batman tossed a ladder down. "Get in!" he shouted.

"Batsy, are you a sight for sore eyes!" cried Joker as they all climbed up the ladder. "Told you we'd be saved, didn't I, guys?"

"Yeah, I guess you really are God, J," retorted Two-Face, sarcastically.

Once they were all inside the ship, Batman maneuvered it out of the planet's atmosphere, dodging the last remaining laser blasts, and out into space.

"Aw, Batsy, you _do_ care!" said Joker, hugging him tightly.

"Don't hug me," muttered Batman, shoving him off. He picked up a communicator. "Superman, I've got them."

"Thank you, Batman," said Superman's voice. "Use the hyperdrive and get back to Earth immediately. What's the situation on Planet Arkham?"

Batman looked at Joker. "Extremely hostile," he retorted. "You'll need to get over there and do some intergalactic peacekeeping right away."

"Understood," sighed Superman. "We'll leave the Arkham inmates on Earth for now…"

"Permanently, I think, Superman," interrupted Batman. "They're human, after all. They're our responsibility. I mean, you've seen what happens when you send them off world, right? No need to go infecting the rest of the universe with the kinda madness only humans are capable of, don't you think?"

"I think you might be right in this case," agreed Superman. "Return them to Arkham Asylum."

"I will. Enjoy your space diplomacy," said Batman, with a hint of amusement in his voice. He hung up the communicator.

Joker burst out laughing. "Nice one, Bats," he chuckled. "It does my heart good to think that Supey's gonna have to crash the party I started on Planet Arkham and get 'em all to calm down. And nobody likes a party crasher."

"I have absolute faith in Superman," said Batman, lightly. "I'm sure he's more than capable of reasoning with angry aliens, no matter how long it might take and how frustrating it might be. If anybody's capable of that kinda delicate hard work and minefield politics, it's Superman."

Joker laughed again. "Wanna high five?" he asked, holding his hand up.

"For almost starting an intergalactic war? No, I don't," retorted Batman.

"Aw, c'mon, Batsy, don't leave me hanging!" he exclaimed. "Anyone? High five? Harvey? Tetchy? Bas? Harley?"

Everyone just glared at him. "C'mon, guys, my touch heals all sickness!" exclaimed Joker.

"You're not God!" shouted Two-Face.

"That's a matter of opinion," retorted Joker. "Harley still thinks I'm God, doncha, pooh?"

She glared back at him with arms folded across her chest. "Pooh?" he repeated, his smile falling a little. "Baby? Pumpkin pie?"

She didn't respond. He sighed heavily. "Chosen One?" he said.

"Am I really your Chosen One?" she demanded.

"Of course, pumpkin pie!" he said, embracing her. "My Harley girl's always been my Chosen One! She's the only dame in the world I would ever choose, no matter what! My sweet, silly, little baby!"

"Oh, Mr. J!" cried Harley, throwing herself into his arms and kissing him. "Of course you're my God, puddin'! And you're the only God I'll ever serve, forever and ever and ever!"

"Well, isn't that…romantic?" growled Two-Face, shaking his head.

"Can we please go home now?" asked Tetch of Batman. "I can't wait to see dear old Arkham Asylum again."

Batman nodded, entering a few coordinates and then pressing a button. "Hang on to your hat," he muttered.


	10. Chapter 10

"Ok, how about this, Harl? 'I'll never join you! You killed my father!'"

Harley stared blankly back at the Joker as they sat on the sofa in the Rec Room of Arkham Asylum, surrounded by most of the other inmates. Harley shook her head.

"I just don't hear it, puddin'."

"I'm telling you, I sound like Luke Skywalker!" snapped Joker.

"You really don't, J," retorted Ivy.

"And just because you keep saying it doesn't make it true, Emperor Joker," said Two-Face, sarcastically.

"God Joker, please," said Joker.

"Even the aliens saw through that one," muttered Crane, not looking up from his book.

"All right, socializing time is over," said a guard, entering at that moment. "Everyone return to your cells."

"I'll see you soon, my little Chosen One," said Joker, patting Harley affectionately on the head. She squeaked happily and kissed him.

"He really is a God, huh, Red?" sighed Harley as she was locked back up in the cell next to Ivy's.

Ivy rolled her eyes and didn't respond, picking up a magazine instead.

"You ladies have a visitor," said the guard, escorting a figure over to their cells, a figure who had two other figures straining on a leash. "We don't normally allow pets, but Miss Kyle was very insistent, and Dr. Leland gave her consent."

"Babies!" shrieked Harley, racing over to the bars and holding out her arms. Bud and Lou were being held by Selina Kyle, but they broke away from her just as the guard unlocked Harley's door. The hyenas rushed inside, yipping happily and jumping up on Harley affectionately as she squealed over them. "Oh, Mommy missed you, babies, yes, she did! Yes, she did!"

"Selina, this is a surprise," said Ivy, as Selina entered the neighboring cell.

"Yeah, just stopped by to see how you both were doing after the space quest," said Selina.

"Ugh, don't remind me," said Ivy. "It's a chapter of my life I will definitely be trying to forget."

"Well, I'm just glad you're back safe," said Selina. "And I look forward to another margarita and bitching session just as soon as you're both free."

"Whenever that will be," sighed Ivy.

Selina smiled again. "We'll just have to see, won't we?" she said, lightly, standing up. "I had an interesting conversation with Batman while you guys were away. It was about the difference between animals and humans. I think we both agreed in the end that when creatures of any kind are dangerous to human beings, it's best to keep them locked up, wouldn't you agree, Ivy?"

Ivy opened her mouth to respond when Selina suddenly slipped a key into her hands. "However long you can, anyway," she murmured, winking. "See you around, Red."

"Yeah…bye, Selina," said Ivy. "See you soon."

Selina grinned and disappeared down the corridor. Ivy pocketed the key and smiled, returning to her magazine.

**The End**


End file.
